When Should Students Handle Conflict Themselves—and When Should They Get an Adult?

One of the most important conflict-resolution skills we can teach students is knowing the difference between a social problem they can try to solve and a safety problem that requires immediate adult intervention.

At SQUABBLES®, we teach students to distinguish between subjective harm and objective harm.

It's a simple distinction that can make conflict resolution much easier to understand.

What Is Subjective Harm?

Subjective harm occurs when someone is attempting to hurt your feelings.

This can include behaviors such as:

• insults,
• criticism,
• gossip,
• rude humor,
• social exclusion,
• teasing, and
• other forms of verbal or relational aggression.

These behaviors can certainly be upsetting.

But students can learn skills for responding to many of these situations without immediately needing someone else to solve the problem for them.

That's where resilience comes in.

What Is Objective Harm?

Objective harm occurs when someone's body or property is being harmed—or when there is a credible threat that this may happen.

Examples can include:

• physical violence,
• threats of violence,
• stealing,
• vandalism,
• destruction of property, or
• unwanted physical contact.

When students believe they are in physical danger, they should not try to prove how resilient they are.

Their job is to:

Get away. Stay safe. Seek help.

School policy and applicable law should always guide the school's response to threats, physical aggression, harassment, and other serious conduct.

What Should Students Do With Everyday Social Aggression?

The biggest mistake students often make when faced with social aggression is getting upset.

Why?

Because the emotional reaction may be exactly what the aggressor is looking for.

The second the student loses control of their emotions, they can begin to feel powerless.

With a couple of simple skills and a little practice, students can learn how to stay calm in the moment—even when they don't feel calm on the inside.

Our two foundational tips are incredibly simple:

1. Don't get upset.

2. Treat them like a friend.

This helps the student appear strong and confident instead of giving the aggressor the reaction they expected.

The aggressor is often expecting the target to act like an enemy—to become angry, lash out, argue, or show that the behavior worked.

When that doesn't happen, the interaction changes.

Students Need to Practice the Skills

Knowing what to do and being able to do it under pressure are two different things.

That's why role-playing is so important.

Students can rehearse scenarios in a safe environment, experiment with different responses, and receive coaching and feedback before they face the situation in real life.

Research on school-based conflict-resolution programs has found benefits from interactive drama and role-playing approaches that teach self-control, emotional management, communication, and interpersonal problem-solving. One large school-based study involving 2,440 students reported improvements in several conflict-resolution outcomes following this type of instruction.

That's very different from putting instructions on a poster and hoping students remember them during a stressful situation.

Students need practice.

Practice Can Happen Schoolwide

A school assembly can model these skills for a large group and allow students to see what they actually look like.

But an assembly shouldn't be the end of the process.

Teachers and counselors can continue reinforcing the skills through games, role-playing, and short lessons throughout the year.

SQUABBLES® TV gives schools plug-and-play lessons designed to help students identify aggression, manage emotions, and resolve non-criminal social conflicts.

Lessons can be delivered in as little as 15 minutes, making them easy to use during advisory, homeroom, SEL, character education, or another existing period.

Some Students Need More Practice Than Others

Tier 1 instruction will be enough for many students.

Others need additional support.

A student who repeatedly becomes overwhelmed by criticism, social exclusion, jokes, or other aggression may benefit from a Tier 2 small group such as SQUABBLES® Circle™.

A student experiencing an ongoing conflict may need individualized Tier 3 support using SQUABBLES® One-on-One.

The goal isn't simply to make the current conflict disappear.

It's to help the student develop skills they can use when the next challenge comes along.

Safety and Resilience Aren't Opposites

Teaching resilience doesn't mean telling students to tolerate danger.

And protecting students doesn't require teaching them that they're powerless to solve any problem without an adult.

Schools can teach both.

When you're in danger, get help.

When you're dealing with an everyday social problem, use your skills.

When students understand the difference, adults can focus their attention where it's needed most while students gain confidence in their own ability to navigate social challenges.

That's empowerment.

Teach Students Skills They Can Actually Use

SQUABBLES® provides schools with age-appropriate lessons, role-playing games, staff training, counselor interventions, and Schoolwide resources designed to reduce aggression and raise resilience.

Explore SQUABBLES® TV: Classroom Curriculum
Explore SQUABBLES® Schoolwide: Comprehensive Training & Resources